at times...

at times, when you want something so much but you know you cant have it, you'll just have to give up and move on.

dont you agree?

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i find myself becoming more and more worried of myself with every passing day. i think i am too uptight to myself, and i scrutinise myself a lot...i'm even judgemental of myself and i dont like it when i do not leave a good impression on others.

many times i find myself being a perfectionist..but to no avail of course. i am a perfectionist wannabe, and then i cannot make something perfect, i get really disappointed with myself.

i'm scared of being judged, and i'm scared that i cannot be what a person wants me to be. i think sometimes i have split personalities, just trying to fit in. i know i definately have a different personality when i'm at work (..or maybe i dont), but i dont mind being the person that i am at work. in fact, i think that's the person i prefer to be..a more outgoing one.

anyway, the only reason i'm worried is because i have closed myself up to almost everyone who tries to get close to me. i realise that i dont do it on purpose, but it's just a self-activated thing. i dont open up much to my friends (whether it's my friends, colleagues or just whoever) and most of them only know me on the surface. the few that i managed to open up to, they still dont know me that well...i dont know.

i am over protective of myself, because i dont want to get hurt again like i did last time. but i know that somehow, someway, i will have to open up again eventually, whether i like it or not. so is life right? but lately, i've just been so un-interested in relationships and stuff...of course i still have attraction to the opposite sex (i'm perfectly straight, mind you) but getting involved is a totally different thing.

some say i'm just too picky, and maybe i am, but hey, i dont want to get hurt again so that's why i'm too busy trying to pick for the right one to come along....

i think all the food is getting to me. i should just stop now..but dont worry, i'm fine :)