twas my brother's birthday on friday, but we postponed his birthday dinner to tonight. all went really well during the day from church to lunch to grocery shopping to everything else.

i bought a cake for my bro as his present since i couldnt think of anything better to get him. anyway, we went out for dinner, and on our way there, dad was talking about cutting our budget a little, mainly to cut down on buying unnecessary food like sweets, chips and etc.

it didn't affect me much, but it did to a certain extent. i mean, really, how much do we spend on that a month? i know i usually buy my own junk food, but to have it smacked into your face with a "no junk food" ruling, that's a little insane...so anyway, dinner went on with me sitting at the corner being rather quiet.

then on the way home, dad continued on the talk. this time about us kids taking too long to shower, spending too much on power and water, and wasting money unnecessarily. fine, i understand that because, why waste money right?

then my mum joined in the "talk". dad did it in a really calm and casual manner. knowing mum, she takes things to a whole new level. calm and casual is now yells and anger. it's not fun. why? because almost everything that they're saying, is not my fault. my sisters are the one who spend 30 minutes in the bathroom, leaving their radio on when no one's in the room or even leaving their room light on when they're not in the room. for me, i spend about 15-20 mins max in the bathroom, including moisturizing my face and etc. i dont leave my room light on, and i dont have a radio in my room.

i pointed that out. but i got ignored.

mum kept going on and on about money, then all of a sudden she said "i dont know why you keep buying things! you're just wasting money!" i got really angry about that because we've been through this talk before - she has no right to control how i spend my money because it's my OWN money which i worked for. i dont take any form of allowance from them, so all my spending money is from my salary or from trademe, or from my savings.

i reminded her that i earn my money and i spend my own money. i then said that when my bro was at my age, he was still 100% dependent on my parents. he got allowance from them, his college/ uni fees were all paid for, his shopping money were provided by my parents and basically everything was provided by my parents. i, on the other hand, depend on them for food, the house and power and water and stuff, and petrol for the car (which i contribute sometimes too). my shopping expenses and everything else is from my own working money....

what right does she have to say about me spending $45 on a pair of shoes? what right does she have to even comment that i spend too much (which i think i dont)? i am for more independent than my brother, and even if i am running low on money, i would never go to them to get money. i've never done it before, even though they offer. i just dont like taking money from them.

anyway, at that point, i started crying. because..i just think it's unfair. i mean, they supported my bro through uni and until he got a proper job. i only get partial support now, and they still want to nag me. so i went to my room and went to shower. then my mum shouted from outside the bathroom "you bought the cake for your brother, come and celebrate it with him!", and i yelled back" YOU WANT TO EAT YOU EAT LA!"

had my shower, then my bro came upstairs to tell me to come down to cut the cake and blablabla. i felt really stink at that time (and i still do), because it's his birthday, and his sister isn't celebrating it with him. but i ignored him anyway. mum apologized from outside my room for wanting to control how i spend my money, but i ignored her anyway. because the way she said sorry was as if she was scolding me.

i heard my dad telling her off for bringing up the topic about me spending my money and etc when i came out of the shower. again, i felt bad because i dont want to add to mum's stress, but you know? i cant please everyone and make myself feel unhappy. i am the kind of person who tries to please everyone, but myself. in the end, i find myself digging a hole that keeps getting deeper and when i try to climb out, i start struggling.

it's time for me to think for myself too, and it's time for others to stop putting their stress on me. i find myself always the one to try to sort everything out, and to worry for others and putting myself in a situation where i get hurt in the end. it's really time to stop all of these things.

i hope my family realises that i am more than what they think i am, and stop releasing their stress/ anger on me. i am not the one they should pick on every single time...

almost everytime something goes wrong at home (like if there's a stain on the carpet or something like that), my mum or dad will almost certainly put the blame on me before even asking. it makes me sick.

i have feelings too mum and dad...

to be honest, i am no fan of Avril Lavigne but since i heard "when you're gone", i think it's such an awesome song.

the video is really nice as well, but i'm not sure if the one i've just watched is a different version. it's got bits and pieces of Smallville in it, and i just love it! (i'm a huge fan of smallville!!)



after watching this video, i just feel like having a big cry. one of those cries where you sob so hard you end up gasping for breath in the end and your eyes stay swollen for days on end...

i just felt like crying coz, well, i think i've been through so so so much over the year, and i know i've said this a million times, but i'm just so glad to be where i am now. i know i'm not in a perfect position, but you know, i'd rather be where i am now than to be where i was a year ago.

i remember a year ago, i was absolutely shattered. i was a person that i didn't quite know. i remember talking to my colleague yesterday. he's a youth pastor so i was sharing a little about my life with him yesterday and he said that it's good that i am where i stand now...but there are a certain things which i have to improve..

like, just because one person tore me apart so much, it doesnt mean that everyone will do the same to me. but truth be told, i am ever so scared to open up again. i dunno, i just seem...dis-interested in a relationship now. i just dont see the point of having one now, when i have like SO many plans once i finish uni.

but then again, i guess there will come a point in my life where i'll have to settle down..i dont actually plan on being a spinster :p

anyway, enough of being emo. i just bought some dressed online, so to you dress freaks, i'll tell you how they look when they arrive ok!! they come in different sizes :D

how would you feel if your mum comes up to you and say "you dont have that many friends..." when you're already feeling emo and stressed over a million things?

and not only that, when she says that, she probably means:

• you have no life
• it's time to get a bf
  
• it's time to go out and socialise more

but the thing is, when you want to go out to socialise more, say go clubbing, the conversation goes something like that:

me: mum i wanna go clubbing with my workmates tonight
mum: that's not very Christian like..
me: but.......i wanna just hang out with them..
mum: very dangerous ar..so late and you'll be all by yourself when you come home
me: ugh..fine...
mum: good.

and if i want to go out at night, but not clubbing, the conversation is like this:

me: mum i'm going out tonight!
mum: oh where to? with who? what time? what time will you be home?
me: erm, just going out with my friends..around 10..dunno what time i'll be home
mum: aiya! so late only what to go out! all the bad things happen at night one you know..
me: yeah i know, but if everyone thinks like you, then no one'll be going out at night
mum: yeah, but what i'm trying to say is, dont go out so late la! dangerous!
me: oh..then ar..ok lor, i stay at home. dont go out....

and if i go out at a usual time, during the day, this is the conversation:

me: mum, i'm going out later..
mum: what you doing? where you going? with who?
me: erm, just going for a bit of shopping with friends..
mum: shopping again! very rich ar?! spend spend spend!!
me: but...i got work and i earn my own money ma!
mum: SO??? you spend a lot you know! keep going out only..petrol all those leh?!
me: erm.......fine la..dont go lor...

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SEE! everything i want to do, she'll say something one! all also against it one. the only time she wont say anything is when i say i'm going to a friend's house. then now she start saying i dont have many friends. how to have friends when everytime i try to go out to socialise you stop me?

i'm so pissed and upset la i tell you. ruin my day only...

at times...

at times, when you want something so much but you know you cant have it, you'll just have to give up and move on.

dont you agree?

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i find myself becoming more and more worried of myself with every passing day. i think i am too uptight to myself, and i scrutinise myself a lot...i'm even judgemental of myself and i dont like it when i do not leave a good impression on others.

many times i find myself being a perfectionist..but to no avail of course. i am a perfectionist wannabe, and then i cannot make something perfect, i get really disappointed with myself.

i'm scared of being judged, and i'm scared that i cannot be what a person wants me to be. i think sometimes i have split personalities, just trying to fit in. i know i definately have a different personality when i'm at work (..or maybe i dont), but i dont mind being the person that i am at work. in fact, i think that's the person i prefer to be..a more outgoing one.

anyway, the only reason i'm worried is because i have closed myself up to almost everyone who tries to get close to me. i realise that i dont do it on purpose, but it's just a self-activated thing. i dont open up much to my friends (whether it's my friends, colleagues or just whoever) and most of them only know me on the surface. the few that i managed to open up to, they still dont know me that well...i dont know.

i am over protective of myself, because i dont want to get hurt again like i did last time. but i know that somehow, someway, i will have to open up again eventually, whether i like it or not. so is life right? but lately, i've just been so un-interested in relationships and stuff...of course i still have attraction to the opposite sex (i'm perfectly straight, mind you) but getting involved is a totally different thing.

some say i'm just too picky, and maybe i am, but hey, i dont want to get hurt again so that's why i'm too busy trying to pick for the right one to come along....

i think all the food is getting to me. i should just stop now..but dont worry, i'm fine :)