twas my brother's birthday on friday, but we postponed his birthday dinner to tonight. all went really well during the day from church to lunch to grocery shopping to everything else.

i bought a cake for my bro as his present since i couldnt think of anything better to get him. anyway, we went out for dinner, and on our way there, dad was talking about cutting our budget a little, mainly to cut down on buying unnecessary food like sweets, chips and etc.

it didn't affect me much, but it did to a certain extent. i mean, really, how much do we spend on that a month? i know i usually buy my own junk food, but to have it smacked into your face with a "no junk food" ruling, that's a little insane...so anyway, dinner went on with me sitting at the corner being rather quiet.

then on the way home, dad continued on the talk. this time about us kids taking too long to shower, spending too much on power and water, and wasting money unnecessarily. fine, i understand that because, why waste money right?

then my mum joined in the "talk". dad did it in a really calm and casual manner. knowing mum, she takes things to a whole new level. calm and casual is now yells and anger. it's not fun. why? because almost everything that they're saying, is not my fault. my sisters are the one who spend 30 minutes in the bathroom, leaving their radio on when no one's in the room or even leaving their room light on when they're not in the room. for me, i spend about 15-20 mins max in the bathroom, including moisturizing my face and etc. i dont leave my room light on, and i dont have a radio in my room.

i pointed that out. but i got ignored.

mum kept going on and on about money, then all of a sudden she said "i dont know why you keep buying things! you're just wasting money!" i got really angry about that because we've been through this talk before - she has no right to control how i spend my money because it's my OWN money which i worked for. i dont take any form of allowance from them, so all my spending money is from my salary or from trademe, or from my savings.

i reminded her that i earn my money and i spend my own money. i then said that when my bro was at my age, he was still 100% dependent on my parents. he got allowance from them, his college/ uni fees were all paid for, his shopping money were provided by my parents and basically everything was provided by my parents. i, on the other hand, depend on them for food, the house and power and water and stuff, and petrol for the car (which i contribute sometimes too). my shopping expenses and everything else is from my own working money....

what right does she have to say about me spending $45 on a pair of shoes? what right does she have to even comment that i spend too much (which i think i dont)? i am for more independent than my brother, and even if i am running low on money, i would never go to them to get money. i've never done it before, even though they offer. i just dont like taking money from them.

anyway, at that point, i started crying. because..i just think it's unfair. i mean, they supported my bro through uni and until he got a proper job. i only get partial support now, and they still want to nag me. so i went to my room and went to shower. then my mum shouted from outside the bathroom "you bought the cake for your brother, come and celebrate it with him!", and i yelled back" YOU WANT TO EAT YOU EAT LA!"

had my shower, then my bro came upstairs to tell me to come down to cut the cake and blablabla. i felt really stink at that time (and i still do), because it's his birthday, and his sister isn't celebrating it with him. but i ignored him anyway. mum apologized from outside my room for wanting to control how i spend my money, but i ignored her anyway. because the way she said sorry was as if she was scolding me.

i heard my dad telling her off for bringing up the topic about me spending my money and etc when i came out of the shower. again, i felt bad because i dont want to add to mum's stress, but you know? i cant please everyone and make myself feel unhappy. i am the kind of person who tries to please everyone, but myself. in the end, i find myself digging a hole that keeps getting deeper and when i try to climb out, i start struggling.

it's time for me to think for myself too, and it's time for others to stop putting their stress on me. i find myself always the one to try to sort everything out, and to worry for others and putting myself in a situation where i get hurt in the end. it's really time to stop all of these things.

i hope my family realises that i am more than what they think i am, and stop releasing their stress/ anger on me. i am not the one they should pick on every single time...

almost everytime something goes wrong at home (like if there's a stain on the carpet or something like that), my mum or dad will almost certainly put the blame on me before even asking. it makes me sick.

i have feelings too mum and dad...